Conquering My God Complex

I have always considered myself to be someone who was put on this earth to serve others in some capacity.  That is where I find the most fulfillment.

I have to also admit that it can be hard to remember that I am merely a servant of Him who put me on this earth.  All gifts I offer to others come directly through Him.  Sometimes he has to remind me of that, and it can be a rather harsh awakening.  I hear His still, small voice whisper to me, “Cheryl, you are not God.  I am.”  I usually hear this voice when circumstances are preventing me from helping someone the way I would like to or when circumstances are not  going the way I think they should be.  When the unfairness of life is smacking me in the face, and I am feeling out of control, that is when I realize that I cannot give beyond my time and resources.  This is when I realize, I am not God.

A person I know recently reminded me that when I try to control people and situations, even if it is for a good cause, that I am closing the door on God.  I am, in a sense, telling Him “I don’t need you.  I can do this myself.”  Sometimes the best thing we can do for others is simply “Let go and let God.”

I think of all of the life lessons that I have learned so far in my life, and they have all been the result of the lessons God has taught me.  When I step in trying to save the world by controlling and manipulating situations, I am preventing God from teaching these people valuable lessons that need to be taught.  It can be painful to watch, especially if it is someone you love.  But all of those old clichés are true.  The rainbow really does come after the rain.

When I lost my husband of 33 years, I was faced with some tough, life-changing decisions.  This was hard for me because I was not accustomed to making these kinds of decisions. I had always been the homemaker, the stay-at-home mom, the nurturer.  He was the one who took care of all of the finances.  My self-esteem was low.  My self-confidence was non-existent. 

Suddenly I was faced with cleaning out the home we had lived in for 30 years and selling it.  I was faced with worrying about funeral expenses in the midst of mind-numbing grief.  I was faced with finding a job with benefits after years of working part-time.  I was scared and I was feeling very hopeless.  I was feeling out-of-control when I had no choice other than to be in control.  In the midst of that “control”, however, I realized that I could not do it alone. When I realized that there was nobody who could “save” me from my circumstances, I cried out to God. 

He has never let me down.  Three years later, my circumstances have changed.  I have a job.  I have benefits. I got out of debt. I am paying rent and my own bills.  I bought a car and have no payments.  I have a 401K.  I have published three books, including my novel “Alone in the Crowd”.  I have lost 60 pounds.  I am exercising and eating healthier.  I still have a LONG way to go in being the person I want to be, but I know I'll get there.

I want this for others, and I need to learn that I cannot fix everyone’s situation.  I can only do what God gives me the resources and time to do.  And if God does not respond to a situation the way I believe He should, it is because He has a much better plan in mind.

Let go and let God.  I’m learning to do that…and when I stop trying to butt in, perhaps I will see some of the miracles God has in mind to help the ones that I cannot help.

                                                             Cheryl A. Williams, 2015

Smiles at Work

I love seeing people smile.  I think that's one thing I love about my job.  The people I work with are amazing.  Not a day goes by where I am not laughing or smiling at something a co-worker does or says.  Sometimes it is just a look that says it all.  We all have a commonality of experiences that we share working in a retail environment.  There are the customers who are regulars, the customers who appreciate us, and the customers who give us lots of good stories to share with each other.

For all of the aspects of my job that I don't particularly care for, I will say that my fellow team members make it all worthwhile.  They make the long days a bit shorter, and for that I am very appreciative.  It is because of this that I strive to be a positive, smiling face at my job. After all, if we can all make each other smile...the world will be a tiny bit better...:)

Good Friday Reflections

Today is Good Friday, the day that Jesus Christ was crucified, taking upon Himself the sins of all mankind.  He loved mankind so much that he was willing to be tortured and crucified.  His death was not pretty.  It was sheer agony.  Imagine having huge nails hammered through your wrists and ankles.  Imagine what it must have felt like just hanging this way for hours struggling and gasping for each breath.  Yet even in His agony, he cried out "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do."

What love.  When I reflect on Jesus's death, I think of my many sins and how they were nailed to that cross with Jesus.  I gave my heart to the Lord when I was 15 years old. The years have deepened my love for Him.  Despite falling away from Him more than once, He still holds His arms wide open for me.  Not only does He welcome me back, He actually has chased me down when I was running away from Him.

You see, once you are His, you belong to Him for eternity.  He will come and get you if you get lost or afraid or start to have questions  He will help you find your way back to Him.  I can't imagine NOT wanting to be loved that way.

Still, there are skeptics.  There are those who laugh and mock the fact that Jesus died for them.  My heart breaks for these people, and what they are missing.  They are missing a one on one intimate relationship like no other.  They are missing out on love like they have never experienced.  They are missing out on eternal life that is offered only through Jesus Christ.

Do You Believe in Miracles?

I've been thinking a lot lately about miracles.  Some people believe in them.  Others don't.  I have to admit that I'm a believer.  Not only have I witnessed several miracles, I have heard eyewitness accounts of miracles that have no other other explanation.

There are a lot of miracles in the Bible.  Jesus healed lepers, the blind, the crippled, the demon-possessed. His first miracle was turning water into wine,  He also turned a few loaves and fishes into enough to feed thousands and still have more left over.  He brought Lazarus back to life after he had been dead in the tomb for several days.  Still, in our humanity, there is something about us that makes us skeptical.  Why is it easier for us to look for a scientific explanation rather than look to an Almighty God who created the universe and everything in it?  Why is it so difficult for us to believe that an omnipotent Father could love us enough to perform a miracle in our lives?

Personally, I think it all comes down to the negativity of the society that we live in.  We are constantly bombarded with the negative.  If you don't believe me, turn on the news or flip through the channels.  Listen to the music on the radio.  Peruse social media.  The world is a scary place if that is what we choose to focus on.

The truth is that the media fill us with propaganda the same way that North Korea fills its citizens with propaganda. It is a different kind of propaganda, but the effect is much the same.  We are taught to live in fear and distrust as a means of supporting decisions our government makes that we might otherwise disagree with.  The government is becoming more and more intrusive in our lives.

The more we depend on our government, the less we depend on God.  The more we wait for the government to make our lives better, the less we depend on God's helping hand.  As for miracles, they seem like more of a fairy tale.

The truth is that miracles are happening every day in countries all over the world.  The mainstream press never reports on them, however.

I have personally been physically healed after praying for God's healing hand. I saw my daughter and my son physically healed as babies after my husband and I prayed.  I saw my 2 year old daughter snatched from certain death by an "angel" who was there one moment, and gone in the blink of an eye.  I have heard eyewitness accounts of terminal cancer being healed, and of addictions being healed.  I have heard eyewitness accounts of God's protection in the face of certain death.  I have heard eyewitness accounts of terrorists giving their hearts to the Lord after witnessing the Christian courage of prisoners who had the conviction to witness to their captors in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Think about your own life.  Do you believe in miracles?  I mean....truly believe?  Perhaps it is time to expand your faith in God, and ask, expecting to receive.  Does God always answer the way we would like for Him to? No.  God sees the big picture that we do not see.  We can rest assured in the fact that His answer is always the best...even if we many not see it right away.

                                                         Cheryl A. Williams, 2014

My True Love Story

There was a woman who was broken from years of sexual abuse.  She was insecure, filled with shame, and suffered from low self-esteem.  She looked to food for love, and hid behind the weight that began to pile on.  It was her way of protecting herself from more pain.

She looked for love in many ways, but none of those reached the deepest recesses of her heart.  She tried to fill that emptiness as she could, but they were only temporary fixes for the hole inside of her heart.

Through it all, however, she could feel the hand of God protecting her, guiding her to a better place in her life.  No matter how low she sank, God would always find her and pull her back up.  When she sank again, His hand was there reaching....pulling her back into the light.  Even when she tried to go in  directions that led her away from God, He passed her by and was waiting at the destination for her...protecting her from harm.  He brought people into her life in the middle of her direst circumstance to support her, love her, and help her to grow.

She saw doors open that she had never even knocked upon except for deep in her heart.  She saw circumstances that were painful turn into reasons for rejoicing.

She came to expect miracles in her life.

She began to wonder why God would waste his time on someone like her.  Perhaps, in the eyes of God, she WAS loveable...she WAS beautiful....she WAS worthy.  Tears streamed down her face at the realization that the hole in her heart had finally been filled.  Her search for love was over.  The love she had found was a love that was 100% unconditional.  She did not have to be perfect in order to have this love.  He loved her in her brokenness, and in that brokenness she found her healing.

This woman is me, and this is why I believe in God and His healing love and power.  I don't need scientific proof, for the proof is in my heart.  I may not always be able to answer the questions that skeptics have, but I KNOW.  I  know He is alive as surely as I know that I am alive.  Not only is He alive, He is Love.  People search for love in so many ways.  They go through life looking for anyone or anything to make them feel alive, worthy, and loved.  They turn to drugs, alcohol, video games, sex, shopping, food...all temporary fixes for a heart that is meant for so much more.

God is the answer to a hurting heart.  God is the Love you are looking for.

                                                           Cheryl A. Williams, 2013

An Epiphany for Me

Sometimes life throws us a curve ball, and though painful, it forces us to reflect on our life and the choices we have made.  

Lately, I've been experiencing a lot of different emotions and thoughts about my life.  First of all, I have always had a longing deep inside that there is something more for me.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm content.  I have a good life.  I'm making my way in this world.  Still, I believe God is calling me to something more.

For a long time, I have felt that God called me to be a writer.  I still believe that, but not in the same sense that I used to believe.  I used to have lofty dreams of writing the next best seller.  To tell the truth, I have never really cared about money or fame or any of that.  My main goal when I write anything is that what I write might touch or inspire someone else.  So I've been trying to focus more on writing helpful articles or stories.

But there's more.  I have also come to the realization that I often use my writing as a crutch for avoiding my life or for making me feel important.  I did it as a teenager.  I remember walking up and down the halls carrying my book of poetry I had written.  People thought I was cool because i wrote poetry, and that is really all I had in the area of "cool" going for me.  These days  I have another job working in a cafe.  I love the people, but don't really like the job. It just isn't me.  If anything I feel like I'm just contributing to the obesity of America.  I try and be nice and friendly and helpful to customers, but that is the only satisfaction I get from the work.   I do a good job.  I'm efficient.  I'm a good trainer.  Still, I believe I have more to offer the world. 

 THUS comes my reply when anyone asks me what I do for a living.  Do I say "I'm a Cafe Worker"?  Of course not.  I say I'm a "WRITER".  I mean, it sounds so much more glamorous and important than being a cafe worker.  Nobody knows what I write....how much I've written....or how much money I've made.  It has an air of mystery about it, and it makes people respond by saying "Wow.  How cool.  What do you write?"  Again, it makes me feel important for all of the wrong reasons.

The truth is, I've had a lot of short stories, poems, and articles published.  I have published three books.  I've made very little money, however, and imagining I might live on any of my earnings from what I've written is pretty funny.

Which brings me to my new epiphany.  I feel like God is calling me to do some kind of mission work.  This isn't really new.  As a child I wanted to be a missionary.  I even had a scrapbook of places I wanted to go and people I wanted to help.  I married a man whose greatest desire was to dooverseas mission work, but our finances never allowed it.  A part of me believes that I need to carry out what God placed on both of our hearts.  I'm  not sure when or where.  I've always had a desire to be a Red Cross Disaster Volunteer as well....whether in America or overseas.  Perhaps God can use my writing skills, and my singing skills in mission work someway.  I'm open to His guiding hand...and I know if He wants me to do this, He will open doors for me.  I just need to pray, have faith, and walk through each door He opens.  

A Difficult Day

Today I went to the hospital with a friend who was having an x-ray done.  A flood of memories came washing over me.  You see...the last time I was in this hospital was to say goodbye to my husband of 33 years.

It was as if it had just happened yesterday.  The call...the panic...the fear in my heart.  Rushing down the long hospital corridor to the door to his corner room in the ICU...and seeing him hooked up to machines, unresponsive.  Seeing the fear in my children's faces...hearing the Dr. say "It doesn't look good.  He probably will not live through the day"....

And then, a week later...after being tested to see if his brain was still alive....The Dr and nurses coming into the room with the family.  They began closing the blinds in the room, and I knew. Without a word being said, I knew.  He was gone.

The rest of the night is a blur.  I remember prayers being said as all of his closest friends and family surrounded the bed where he lay.  I remember talking to organ donation people.

I remember....

I remember how bipolar disorder ripped my husband from my life.  I HATE bipolar disorder.  It took a loving, kind-hearted, Christian man and stole so many precious lovely moments from him.  Because of it, he gave up on our marriage.  Because of it, he gave up on himself and his dream of doing mission work to help starving people overseas. He gave up on his dream of being a grandfather one day.

Because of it, he has missed so many beautiful moments.  He has missed the moments of watching his youngest son join the U.S. Navy where he serves in Japan.  He has missed seeing his daughter move into a great house in a nice neighborhood near friends and find love....and seeing his oldest son excel at his job, part-time business, and marriage.  He has missed seeing me publish the book that would not have been possible without him believing in me and supporting me in an advanced publishing course that I took.

I have so many wonderful memories of Bob.  Still, bipolar disorder is always lurking around the corner, interjecting the moments that were painful, at times angry.  I wish I could convince every person who suffer from bi-polar disorder to take their medication, to seek therapy...and to never give up.

Today was hard.  I felt my husband's presence in those hospital corridors, and I remembered the anguish of losing him.  I would not wish that kind of day on anyone.