When I became a Christian as a
teenager, I had this feeling that God was going to immediately zap away all of
my problems and that all of my temptations to steal and have sex and hang out
with the wrong people would vanish. Boy, was I in for a surprise.
Nothing around me changed. My
parents kept drinking. My father kept molesting me. I did not stop my old
behaviors. I just felt a bit guilty for what I was doing. The only thing that
did change was the fact that I read my Bible and prayed every day. It wasn't
something I felt like I had to do. I really wanted to. I felt peace in the
words I read. And I always felt God's presence with me.....even during the bad
times, and even when I knew I was not living as He wanted me to.
I think the problem was that as much
as I wanted to walk on a Christian path, I truly had no idea how to even start.
None of my friends were Christians at the time, even though they went to
church. So I had no support system. There was nothing to replace my negative
behaviors with. And being a rather shy girl, it wasn't like me to go on a big
search for new friends.
The day came for me to leave for
college and this was life-changing in many ways. In a sense, I felt like I was
getting let out of prison. I was free. But with freedom comes great
responsibility, and I did not do so well with it. My old ways began to manifest
themselves more intensely....only now I had absolutely nobody to hold me
accountable. I stopped going to church at all. I pretty much put God by the
wayside unless I really was having a problem. I practiced my Christianity when
it was convenient for me to. And I spiraled deeper and deeper into a hole,
still trying to fill it in the wrong ways.
A couple of years into college, I
met my husband. And he became a Christian not long after we met. We became
engaged soon after that, and that brought its own dilemma. You see, my husband
was a Catholic and I was a Methodist. At the time I had no idea what kinds of
issues this would bring. But I was in for a very rude awakening.
To get married in the Methodist
church would mean that our marriage would not be recognized by the Catholic
Church. Therefore, since we would be "living in sin", my husband
would no longer be able to take communion. Also, his family, who were devout
Catholics, refused to believe we were "truly" married. But I had no
desire to become Catholic. And even if I did it would mean six months of
instructions. We did not feel we needed instructions. After all, we had been
dating for three years by this time. And to top it all off, I was pregnant.
Yes...pregnant. So delaying our marriage for six months of instructions was
just not going to be happening.
So we married "in sin".
And for the next seven months, my husband was denied communion, even thought we
went to the Catholic church each Sunday and we were both Christians. When our
son was born, he was baptized into the Catholic church. And on that same day,
we were allowed to renew our vows in the Catholic church so that my husband
could partake of communion. (We found a very nice priest who was not so strict
with the rules).
The next few years brought us a baby
girl and our first house. By this time, our love had been tested with
infidelity and job loss and mental illness. But God was the glue that held us
together. And it seemed that as long as we put Him first in our marriage,
things went well. But as soon as we took our eyes off of Him and started doing
things our own way, the problems would overwhelm us.
During this time, I found myself
growing more toward the religious right. I listened to Pat Robertson and James
Dobson, and I marched in Washington, DC at pro-life rallies....as well as in my
own city. I wrote newspaper articles which strongly supported censorship of
certain "questionable" artwork and literature.
We found ourselves joining another
church because we were tired of juggling two different churches. .The
Seventh-Day Adventist Church, which we joined was very loving but very much kept to themselves. And it was also very legalistic. I suppose at the time, we were
looking for that in some sense. It felt "safe". But when the legalism
made us feel unworthy in so many respects, we began to not feel quite so safe.
We also did not like the way it was so judgmental of other religions. It did
not seem very "Christian" to us. We were looked down on if we did not
observe the Sabbath in the way other members thought it should be observed. If
we disagreed with any of the church doctrines, we were looked down on....and
not made to feel like we were truly welcome. We always felt a bit ostracized.
Throughout all of the changes in
churches we attended, I had come to realize something. God had remained the
same throughout. He was unwavering. He loved me regardless of how perfectly I
obeyed the law. He loved me despite all of my shortcomings. And he was always
there for me, regardless. I realized that, unlike many of the churches I had
attended, God's love was totally unconditional. When he gave His life for me,
He did not die for a perfect person. He died for someone who does not have a
clue about living anywhere close to perfection.
When I realized all of these things,
I began to see God in a new light. And as a result, I began to walk with Him in
a different way.
Photo by Cheryl Williams(2013)
No comments:
Post a Comment