Realizing that my relationship with
God could be fulfilling regardless of the church I attended was actually a very
freeing realization. At last I felt that I could be the real me without having
to conform to what this particular group thought or that particular group
thought. God became personal to me in a way that He never had before. Yes, He
had been a part of my life for many years, but I have never really known how to
develop that relationship with Him. So it had grown rather stagnant, and I had
become someone I did not even recognize anymore.
I began to rethink a lot of things
in my life. And I began to get to know myself better. For a year or so I
stopped going to church completely because the church I was going to seemed
spiritually dead to me. All through the service, people were looking at their
watches, or sleeping. It all seemed so fake and at the time I had rather be
going for a walk or something, enjoying God's nature. And I knew that if I was actually
dreading going to church, something was wrong somewhere....either with me or
with my choice of a church. So I stepped away to do some hard thinking and
praying. For awhile things were going well, and then ZAP....I got hit with one
thing after another that tested my faith in God.
The first thing that happened was
that I had a stillbirth. I was 7 months pregnant when I started bleeding. When
I went to the Dr., no heartbeat was found. So for 2 days I lay in the hospital
with my baby inside who was no longer alive....while they induced labor. I had
to go through regular labor. Her name was Maryanna Hope, and she was so tiny. I
could hold her in the palm of my hand. I was so heartbroken, but that pain
turned to emotional numbness. After she was born, we had to plan a funeral. And
2 days after she was born, we laid her to rest. This was the most emotionally
wrenching thing I had ever gone through. The pain and depression afterwards was
almost unbearable. I was so angry inside. And the only one I could think of to
really be angry at was God. I kept asking him all of the standard questions.
"Why me?" was the one I asked most often.
Several months down the road I found
out my father had cancer, and I had so many feelings tied up in knowing this. I
had some loose ends I needed to tie up with him...things I needed to say in
order to feel some closure and peace. So I did that. His health continued to
deteriorate and I was waiting for the call to come at any time saying he had
passed away. And the call did come one Monday evening. Only it was to tell me
that my mother had passed away unexpectedly. She had had a heart attack.
My mother and I were very close, but
there were so many things I wanted and needed to say to her as well, but never
got the chance. 3 months later, my father passed away. And I became even more
bitter towards God. I just could not understand why I was being hit with so
many bad things at once. In my mind, it wasn't fair. I considered myself a good
person. And I almost felt God was punishing for something.
A month after my mother died, I
discovered that my 12 year old daughter had been raped by a stranger at
gunpoint. He forced her into a car, threatened to kill her family, drove off
with her, raped her, and made her walk back home. She walked for 4 miles and
did not call us because she was in shock and she was afraid we would be mad at
her. My poor baby girl was feeling a shame that I was so familiar with. And I
can honestly say that at that time I felt hate in my heart for the man who did
this to her.
After months of hating and months of
anger toward God, I grew so weary of it all. I had started to have flashbacks
of my own abuse, and I turned back to the One who had always been there for me
during it. God. And once again He was there for me, only this time he set my
feet on a different pathway. And He brought people to me and opened doors for
me to get the help that I needed. Once I surrendered totally, and admitted my
total helplessness, the floodgates of Heaven seemed to open and things began to
happen in my life that I found even hard to believe. I found a wonderful friend
who pushed me into going to therapy. This therapist recommended a support
group in which I have made wonderful life-changing friendships. My
self-confidence increased and I began writing more.
Yes, He opened up the floodgates.
But I still had to trust enough to walk through those gates. And this is still
my biggest struggle. When you have been hurt by men, and you see God as a
"man"...of course there is some comparison there. So it is a
challenge. But each time I step into my fear and trust, I find that it has
become a bit easier each time.
Today I am back in church, but it's
a non-denomination church. It is based on love and outreach. All are welcome...no matter who you are, what you look like, how
you dress, or what your issue is. And if I do say so myself, the music there is
totally awesome! I look forward to going each week and I leave feeling like I
got my tank filled up...ready for the coming week.
Through all of these years since my
first "Christian" experience, I have come a very long way in my
attitudes as well as my beliefs. In some areas, I have done a complete
turn-around.
There are some things that truly
upset me about the world today and in both the way that Christians act and the
way they are often perceived. But that I will save for my last installment. In
my mind, it is the most important one.
Photo by Cheryl A. Williams, 2014
No comments:
Post a Comment