Grief Finally Came to Me ... My Husband is Gone

Yesterday I had a very emotional experience while at work.  A man came in with his little newborn baby, and immediately a picture came to my mind of my dear departed husband holding our daughter, Christy, when she was a baby.  Suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks.  He is gone.  My husband is gone.  My life as I once knew it is gone.  I became so overwhelmed with sadness and grief.  My eyes welled up with tears, but I could not cry because I was at work...and the only one there to wait on the customers.  I had to hold all of these feelings in check.

Today, those feelings linger.  I have been crying off and on all morning.  I miss my husband.  I am so sad that he is gone.  I know he is in a better place, and I know he is happy and healthy now.  Still, the remembering is so painful.  We had our share of rocky times...more than our share.  Still, I have so many wonderful memories of Bob.

I remember him in the kitchen on Sunday mornings.  He would wake up before me and make me breakfast.  He would be in the kitchen frying bacon and eggs.  I can see him clearly as he smiles and says, "Hi Honey.  I made you some breakfast!"

I remember his laugh.  It was contagious.  He could always make me smile when I was feeling low.

I remember going for walks together at the park.  Sometimes we would just sit on the bench and hold hands and talk.  Sometimes we would play basketball together.

We would dance together in the living room.  Sometimes we would dance without music.

I caused him a lot of pain toward the end of his life...and I am so so very sorry for this.  I never meant to hurt him.  I thought that I was doing what was best for him...for us.  I pray that somehow he has forgiven me.  I pray that one day I can forgive myself.