I’ve had a revelation recently about my life. It wasn’t a revelation that was easy to acknowledge, but it was one that was important for me to hear.
All of my life I have struggled with self-esteem. This was brought on from the time I was a little girl who was chubby and wore glasses to when I was a teenager, sexually abused for many years. Later, it manifested itself into becoming a victim of emotional and verbal abuse.
For all of those years, I was a Christian. God helped see me through some very dark days, and helped me turn those bad times into something positive for Him. Part of it involved hands-on work of helping others. Much of that was done in the form of writing as a means of helping others.
Somewhere along the way, however, I lost track of the true reason I was writing. It became more about my own selfish pride than it did about glorifying God. It became more about being able to say “I’m a writer”, or I’m an author” than it did about anything else.
When my kids were growing up, I remember people looking at me with disdain when I told them I was a stay-at-home mom and homemaker. I might as well of told them I had leprosy for the comments and looks I received. That is when I decided to take a writing course. After all, I had always loved writing as a hobby. The writing course opened the door for me to get published in various magazines and anthologies. Suddenly, when asked my occupation, I could say “writer” instead of stay-at-home mom. (It didn’t matter that the money I made was miniscule). I finally had an acceptable “title”, and nobody knew my income other than myself. People began looking at me as if I was an interesting person rather than a nobody.
I started off writing children’s stories and poems for a Christian publication. It didn’t take long, however, until I became very prideful. It became less and less about helping others and glorifying God and much more about trying to make money and pump up my self-esteem. My Christian writing soon turned into any kind of writing, as long as I could make some money, add to my list of published work, and get a few pats on the back. The more of my work I sold, the more encouraged I became. I even wrote things that went against my Christianity if it meant getting one more item on my list of published works.
I also had three different columns for an online news source which required a minimum number of articles be written each month. I did find this fulfilling because my columns were the kind in which I could give relationship advice and write positive things to inspire others. After awhile, though…this became more about having a title rather than the actual writing itself.
During this time, I also wrote a YA novel which was actually a true labor of love. I wrote it with the intention of perhaps helping some teenage girl readers who might struggle with weight and self-esteem issues. It also had a theme of bullying, which I considered very relevant to the times. When I finally got my book published, I felt so fulfilled. I had worked on it for years, and now I could actually hold in my hands the result of all of my hard work. It didn’t take me long, however, for me to feel that pride come back into my heart.
It was during this time that I came to my realization that I had been using the titles of “writer” or “author” as an excuse to avoid who I really am. I work in a café. By being a writer, I could avoid telling people the truth. It’s not that I’m ashamed to work in a café. It is just the fact that I know I have more potential than that. I have a degree. I have lots of experience in human services. I have used my “writer” status as a way to live in denial that there is so much more I could (and should) be doing with my life.
I also came to the realization that I have needed a “title” to overcome the feelings of unworthiness that have haunted me since childhood. I knew that in order to see myself as God sees me, I would have to strip away my titles as well as my pride.
I feel a calling to serve God, and I truly believe my writing is one of the ways I can do that. So I got rid of everything I have written that is not in keeping with my beliefs. I also got rid of the titles that were making me prideful. I have absolutely nothing to be prideful about. I am a child of God, and every single thing I have comes from Him. All of my talents come from Him. He loves me regardless of whether I’m a café worker or an author.
