Lately, I've been experiencing a lot of different emotions and thoughts about my life. First of all, I have always had a longing deep inside that there is something more for me. Don't get me wrong. I'm content. I have a good life. I'm making my way in this world. Still, I believe God is calling me to something more.
For a long time, I have felt that God called me to be a writer. I still believe that, but not in the same sense that I used to believe. I used to have lofty dreams of writing the next best seller. To tell the truth, I have never really cared about money or fame or any of that. My main goal when I write anything is that what I write might touch or inspire someone else. So I've been trying to focus more on writing helpful articles or stories.
But there's more. I have also come to the realization that I often use my writing as a crutch for avoiding my life or for making me feel important. I did it as a teenager. I remember walking up and down the halls carrying my book of poetry I had written. People thought I was cool because i wrote poetry, and that is really all I had in the area of "cool" going for me. These days I have another job working in a cafe. I love the people, but don't really like the job. It just isn't me. If anything I feel like I'm just contributing to the obesity of America. I try and be nice and friendly and helpful to customers, but that is the only satisfaction I get from the work. I do a good job. I'm efficient. I'm a good trainer. Still, I believe I have more to offer the world.
THUS comes my reply when anyone asks me what I do for a living. Do I say "I'm a Cafe Worker"? Of course not. I say I'm a "WRITER". I mean, it sounds so much more glamorous and important than being a cafe worker. Nobody knows what I write....how much I've written....or how much money I've made. It has an air of mystery about it, and it makes people respond by saying "Wow. How cool. What do you write?" Again, it makes me feel important for all of the wrong reasons.
The truth is, I've had a lot of short stories, poems, and articles published. I have published three books. I've made very little money, however, and imagining I might live on any of my earnings from what I've written is pretty funny.
Which brings me to my new epiphany. I feel like God is calling me to do some kind of mission work. This isn't really new. As a child I wanted to be a missionary. I even had a scrapbook of places I wanted to go and people I wanted to help. I married a man whose greatest desire was to dooverseas mission work, but our finances never allowed it. A part of me believes that I need to carry out what God placed on both of our hearts. I'm not sure when or where. I've always had a desire to be a Red Cross Disaster Volunteer as well....whether in America or overseas. Perhaps God can use my writing skills, and my singing skills in mission work someway. I'm open to His guiding hand...and I know if He wants me to do this, He will open doors for me. I just need to pray, have faith, and walk through each door He opens.
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