Cafe Days

I’m on my way to work, and my stomach is turning flip-flops.  I hate my job.  I don’t like retail.  I don’t like people.  I used to love people before I saw all of the ugliness that comes with a cash register mistake, or a bag of popcorn that isn’t quite hot enough.  Sometimes I have to laugh rather than cry.  I’ve gotten to the point where I see people as curious creatures who will surely do something during the course of the day to further add to my dislike for them.  I’m not even a mean person, mind you.  Most people who know me would describe me as sweet natured, kind-hearted, and giving.  Heck, my nick name is goody two shoes. 

Still, my job brings out the inner witch in me.  I don’t outwardly express my inner witch, mind you.  After all, I want to keep my job.The saving grace of my job is the vast array of stories my co-workers and I share with one another. Every day, one of us is saying, “Let me tell you about this crazy customer I had.”  And so it continues.

Heck, maybe you are one of the crazy customers I wait on in the café at my job.  If you are, I heartily apologize if you are offended in any way by my ramblings here.  A girl has to vent sometimes.  After all, you wouldn’t want me to go postal, would you?  Or perhaps the name for that is different if you work in a café.  I’ll have to ponder that one.

Anyway, if you think I’m exaggerating, let me tell you about a few of my customers.  There is one lady who comes to the café almost every other day asking for a sample of popcorn.  She says she wants to see if it is too salty.  So I give her a sample every other day, and every other day it is always too salty for her so she doesn’t buy any.  I tell her that we make our popcorn the exact same way every single day.  It is not going to be any less salty today than it was yesterday.  I don’t tell her, but face it. We are not changing our recipe for her because the other 99% of the people who buy our popcorn rave about it.  Still she continues to come by.  I’m convinced this is simply her way of getting her salty popcorn fix without having to pay for it.

Then there is the customer who decides it is time to clean the change out of the bottom of her purse when there is a line of people behind her waiting to order.  They stand there, rolling their eyes, and I’m smiling at them as if to say, “I feel your pain.  I’m so sorry.”  So I stand there and wait…and wait as she takes her sweet time. She’ll lay 5 pennies on the counter, and then a quarter, and then a nickel, and then more pennies. She’ll check to see if she has any buffalo nickels because she collects those and doesn’t want to accidentally pay with one of them. On and on it goes until she has the exact change for her hot dog purchase.  Is it that hard to keep your change in a coin purse, or even a ziplock bag, for heaven’s sakes.

One of my favorites is the customer who will ask how much something is, and then get angry over the price.  “How much are your hot dogs?”  $2.29."  “2.29?  Are you kidding me?  You can keep them.  I can go to the gas station and get two for a dollar.”  To which I reply, “Thank you.  Have a nice day.”  What always kills me about this customer is that this customer thinks I am going to be devastated if he does not buy our hot dogs.  The truth is, I don’t care.  I get paid the same whether he buys one or not.   I don’t work on commission.

And then there are the many customers who order this way:  “Can I do a hot dog?”  My first thought to this question is I don’t know.  Can you? (and did you not take English in school?).  My next thought is I would love to see you do a hot dog.  Learn your English, people!

One of the most annoying customers is the one who will come to the counter and say, “How fresh is your pizza?”  Let me say that our pizza is not allowed to stay on the warmer longer than 20 minutes.  At the end of 20 minutes it goes into the trash and is replaced with a brand new pizza.  So our pizza is always fresh.  When the customer asks this question, I will explain that the pizza was only put there a minute or so ago.  She will wrinkle her nose and ask if we can put a new one in the oven for her because she wants it nice and hot.  No problem.  I put one in the oven for her, telling her it will be ready in 7 minutes.  She then comes back 20 minutes later and complains because it is not “fresh”.  Really?

Some of the customers I most dread are the parents who have no control over their children.  It can be difficult, at times, to tell who is the parent and who is the child.  Here is a typical conversation:

What would you like to eat, Little Susie?

Little Susie:  I want a cookie.

I told you earlier you can’t have a cookie.

Little Susie:  I want a chocolate chip cookie.  I don’t want anything else.

I told you that you have to eat dinner.  You can have pizza or a hot dog.

Little Susie:  Can I have an icee too?

No.  That is too much sugar.

Little Susie:  (Whining, scowling, throwing her toy down on to the floor).  I don’t want a stupid hot dog or pizza.

Okay, Café Lady.  Go ahead and give me a chocolate chip cookie and an icee.  I don’t feel like dealing with a tantrum today while I shop.

REALLY?  Take that kid home and make her eat some vegetables.  SERIOUSLY.

Let me make a note here to parents.  Your children are going to end up with eating disorders.  Every day I see you rewarding your kids with food, bribing your kids with food, or punishing your kids with food.  Do you not know anything about obesity in America or the epidemic of childhood Type II Diabetes?  If you can’t shop without buying your kids sugary, salty treats as a means of getting them to behave themselves, then you are going to have a problem on your hands in the years to come. Just saying. I know, because I was one of those kids.

One of the most common and classic gripes I have is with the customer who throws a wad of money at me rather than hand it to me.  I’m not a rocket scientist, but I deserve more respect than that.  Not only is it disrespectful, it makes my job more difficult.  When I have to take my time to pick up your money and straighten out your money before I put it in the register, I am making the customers standing behind you needlessly wait.  Is it that hard for you to hand me money that is not crumpled up?  Please know that when you do this, it will take longer for you to get your order.  After all, it takes awhile for me to straighten your money out before I put it in the register.  And believe me, I will not rush.

Well, I just pulled up to the store.  Time to get busy.  I wonder what today will hold for me.  Oh, look.  I know that lady.  She’s the one who always tries to tip me.  I guess I forgot about her.  She’s really nice.  Actually, she isn’t the only nice one.  There’s the lady who gave me a hug one day when I took her order out to her.  She thanked me for always being so nice to her.  And there’s this little girl that is so adorable.  She will come up and order an icee sometimes.  She always calls me “Ma’am” and tells me to have a wonderful day.  She can’t be more than 5 years old.  I guess some parents do it right after all.

And I don’t really dislike people.  Just some people.